Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I’m calling the cops.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Pro tip for my good boys out there
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.