Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

Creepy-crawlies

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

boat question

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.