Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.