Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Good morning.