Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Cannot stop laughing at this
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I feel it
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?