Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.