Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years