Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
You Might Also Like
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Tuesday
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.