me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Previously On Persistence 😎
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
How to find Kentucky on a map
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.