Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”