Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Last-minute gift idea!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket