Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I love you…
…r dog.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this