Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I will never stop laughing at this
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.