Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
This is my brand.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”