Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

“what that mouth do?” complain

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.