me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid