me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.