me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
You Might Also Like
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens