Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Who does Amazon think I am?

as is their right

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.