Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
🤯🤯🤯
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??