Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
In space, no one can hear…
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words