Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.