Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Never forget.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.