Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
i think both sides are to blame here