Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income