Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
dutch is not a serious language
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.