Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.