Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?