Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me in tagged photos
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
