Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?