Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I cannot call her anything else now
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]