Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.