Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
hand it over!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.