Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.