Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent