Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.