Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
We avoided this particular disaster
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.