Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.