Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry