Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more