Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
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It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.