Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Holy moly
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
even bears disappoint their mothers
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night