Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?