Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”