Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Always
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.