Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Meow
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Social Media and Real life
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Single worst piece of software ever invented
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m listening
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever