Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.