Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Brilliant!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”