Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Favourite diary entry ever
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly