Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit