Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”