me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence