me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Nice try, poison.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow