Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
So glad we cleared that up
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You can’t rush stupid.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.