Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft