Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

reminder

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby