ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti