Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Britain be like

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.