me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.