Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.