me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.