Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

lmao😭🤣

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

hmmmmmm