Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

😅🤣😂

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Labreador

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.