Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Meow

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

😭😭

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come