Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

The fall of Netflix

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

fair

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

Realize this:

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY