ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.