@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

- @panmidwest

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@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

@MaybePileJokes

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

@tsm560

I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@MollySneed

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.