Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

no one likes gloating

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no