Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

It kinda feels like this rn

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.