Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.