Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know