Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

classic mixup

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

😉

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.