Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.