Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”