Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

buying dead houseplants to save time

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

Beware of the dog..

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers