ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
You Might Also Like
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.