Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

When I face a minor setback

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.