ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are