ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
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Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Worm Regards”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?