ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB